Moving the the Northern Hemisphere: this is more of the emotional side of whats been happening in my life.
So…here I am in London. I’ve been here for nearly 5 months. And time has gone by quicker than I can blink!
I have to be honest with myself, I had the delusions of what my life would be like when I got here, and the funny thing is that I knew I was wrong in my imaginings. I never thought it would just be peaches and cream but hey a girl can dream right? Deep down inside I knew it was going to be tough I just didn’t want to believe it.
I wanted everything to be like the fairytale lifestyle I had in my head and on my vision board. Some say that my decision was made on a whim, or because I was running away from something in my life. But to be perfectly honest when I think back to my life in SA I feel that it was nearly perfect. I had the amazing family surrounding me, awesome friends, and a growing clientele as a photographer. This might sound high and mighty to say but I felt important, needed in a way. Coming from never even being noticed as a young teen, being the weirdo, dorky anti-social-girl, to having people recognise who I am in the street is just something of an amazing feeling.
But I started to have the “Big fish in a small pond” type of feeling.
So as you can imagine (or not, I don’t know) when I moved here I felt alone and like the small fish in a big pond, no one noticing me. The most frustrating thing was not being recognized for my work. I gave up my “perfect” little world that I had built and fell into a vastness that I cant even begin to explain.
So what made me want to move in the first place? I think its in my nature to crave the struggle. I think I like to be at rock bottom and work my way up to a high. I’m determined and love being praised for my accomplishments, just like everyone does…Who doesn’t? Before I was about 18 I always used to hide in the shadow of my friends, I never felt good enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough. I realised that I was not that kind of person. So I decided one day that I would change. Ever since then Ive wanted to better myself as much as I can, accomplish things that others said I could never do or seemed impossible for “someone like me”. I reinvented myself a few times. I guess moving over to the UK was just another reinvention.
I struggled for my life when I was a child, ever since then I tend to choose the hard way of doing things and have to learn my life lessons fast. After being here for these last few months, I’ve made stupid decisions, Iv been cut down to size and hit rock bottom too many times to even count. I ask myself several times a day “What am I doing here?”. I feel like Im milling around not really living because Im waiting for something to happen to me….and falling into the broke bracket none the less.
But I realise that I am in fact trying. Im determined to do the work I want to do, my work. I don’t want to just do anything because I came over here to further my career. I live for experience. Ive done so much over here already, Ive made some awesome friends, Ive seen the most amazing bands and been some cool places.
I crave LIFE! and if that means hitting rock bottom, making bad choices and mistakes, filing my past with regrets that I constantly learn from then I chose the right path for ME.
If being comfortable is what you want to accomplish, then you have to know the complete opposite of that feeling in order to get the full effect of it. We all need contrast and opposites in our lives, because if we didn’t we wouldn’t know how to comprehend anything in our universe at all. Humans need opposition in order to feel and have purpose.
If I want to stay sane, while having no money, not much comic relief, but still do the kind of work I want and not become a drop out in my own life I have to stay positive. Im at the bottom of a great mountain range, trying to stuff the contents of my life into a bag and drag, push and pull it up this tough landscape.
but its okay because when I do reach my destination (wherever or what that is), and get that complete feeling of accomplishment and ecstasy, I will look back over the struggle and know that if I did not go through it all I could not feel what I feel looking at the view from the top of my highest mountain!
And it will be amazing!
(Photograph by Paul Schmid from www.healthyoutdoorsman.com)