This is what I wrote at 3.30 in the morning:
“I realised something:
The things that I thought were the most important in my life, at the time I decided to move over here, have changed. I have realised that I have a different view on life, as well as how I want to live it! No wonder I have been so torn.
It’s true when they say you won’t know if you like something until you try it. I guess it doesn’t really help that I had an idealistic and romanticized view on how things would be here. Wow. To actually put this down in words has made something ‘click’ inside me.”
I think I’ve gotten over that initial hysteria that I felt since being back in the UK after my holiday in South Africa, as I’m now able to verbalise and admit things I didn’t want to admit to myself.
So some of the things that I have realised:
- I wanted to prove that I could do things on my own, which in my head was actually “I don’t need anyone else, I can make it on my own, I’ll show ‘them’ up”. i.e. it was an ego thing. But I realised that not only do I need support, I want it too! (this is a left over from my closed up stage when I was 14/15 years old).
- I want to be successful (obviously) but I have found success is nothing when you don’t have the people you love around you to share it with.
- As I said earlier, I had an idealistic view on how things would go here, things don’t go to plan (or thought) and I’ve accepted that now, and its okay, because I have learnt so much.
- I wanted to be the “superstar/hero” over here as well, but being by myself (i.e. going from hero to zero) has made me realise that I actually don’t want that, yes it feels good and makes me feel wanted, but I’ve decided that I don’t mind if I live an average, low key life, because as long as I have the people I love around me it doesn’t matter.
- I’m very scared of making a decision that I will regret, but in my heart and head I know now that the UK is not where I want to be in the next 5 years, let alone next year even, I love coming on holiday here but the ‘quality of life’ is not my cup of tea (so to speak).
- Yes, I do love the bands, the going out, the party life here, the fashion/clothes etc., but the one thing that has left a GAPING hole is the sense of community. SA might be dangerous, corrupt etc., but somehow its inviting and warm. Maybe that is because I’ve lived there my whole life, but here, in London, there is NO compassion for anyone else!
- I never thought I would miss the sun and space as much as I do, Jo’burg might not be an amazing first world city, but it has an energy that is unique. (London feels drained). Being away from SA for a bit let me look at it in a whole new light when I came back, and the one thing I found was that there was a change in ‘pace’, and I think it was due to the World Cup. The energy was different, like someone had ‘stirred a stagnant cup of water’ refreshing it. YES! That is what it was, South Africa had been refreshed!
Now for ‘Opportunity’: Well, I got an email in reply to a graphic design job, and they want me to come in for an interview. This is full time, doing email and website up keep. The thought of getting the job and being stuck doing that HERE scared the living daylights out of me!
As for the spice labels venture, I’m so excited about them and I really want my mom to work on them with me! I’ve been asked by I think its now 7 people in the last few weeks about photoshoots (all in SA), and so many people I know are IN the industry there, i.e.. I already have a NETWORK.
Basically, I had to travel to the other side of the planet to appreciate what I already had right in front of me. The lessons I have learnt are appreciation for what I have, packing away my ego, destructive determination vs constructive determination, and doing things for the right reasons.
As for the a new plan for my life:
I was thinking of getting any job to keep me going until June, save as much as I can, then after my best friends come for their visit, I go backpacking for a few weeks so I don’t regret not seeing the UK, and then go back home to Jozi! I was also thinking of applying for an internship/work experience at O’mage.
I wrote this all down because it has let me order my thoughts and come to a conclusive outcome.